Skip to main content

The Modern Indian Politician's rule book

Nowadays politics is a hard game but that doesn't mean everyone who gets in bypasses the merit test. When power's in play, the human is spurred to get their bite. And since it's full up and there's way more competition than just the top layer you see, there is an intermediate dynamic that has driven and taught people a few survival tactics. It's almost become like a call centre employee rule response guide that can sometimes be hilarious and true, at the same time. Note: we're saying nothing about how much sense they make or whether they should even be endorsed. Here are just some of the entries you'd find in there.

Foot-in-mouth: This is suggested when you need to a big presence but you don't have one. Just go for it. The limelight is far more important. Your intelligence may see some sunlight but that's alright. Don't let that bother you. Just go straight back into your hole after. The thumb rule is to get all the attention you need from a passing momentous opportunity. As far as your intelligence is concerned, don't worry about it. You may just feel a little dizzy but you'll go back to being your old stupid self in no time.

Out of context: Here's a trick that will save you from the trouble of pre-thinking and being generally aware. If in case you're caught red lipped, just say you were quoted out of context. To give your context, you can immediately say a number of things: the people I was speaking to understood it right, it makes sense when heard with all the points that I made or I was referring to the larger picture... anything that gets you off the hook. 

I need to pay toll?!: Use this one when you're an absolute nobody. Yes, I know you also pay taxes and use good highways where you find them but let's ignore that for a prosperous career in politics. If you don't happen to pass a toll booth (or just reroute so you do), create a scene there. I won't give you a "how" to do this because it's always better completely left to your own imagination. Just make sure you get on the news! In most cases, you will even if you forget to manage it beforehand. So don't let it bother you if you can't. Just break a few glass panes, thrash at least one computer and make one person bleed (the idea is not to have a massacre). Remember, you're just looking for really cheap, toll-free publicity. 

The slap: The classic one. This one doesn't need a setup. Two steps: get mad and fadak! Put some power onto the action. Try and get some fireworks without actual fireworks. Preferably do it to someone for a whimsical reason. Make sure she/he's a public servant. On a private professional, you need a bigger reason, but make sure your landing is as powerful. Don't over think any of it but. Just go with the opportunity. 

The clarification: One of the cheapest ways to repair the damage you've done with a statement that you made. Just say something that's more tangible. Be diplomatic and give people what they've been demanding to hear. Good examples of this are statements like I'm sorry if what I said actually hurt someone or I did not intend to offend anyone intentionally. If in doubt whether it's good enough, run it by your party unit head to check. But never make the mistake of taking back your statement. That undoes any progress you've made.

Let me really show you who I am: You don't need any introduction to this one! Throw your weight around as much as necessary, even if you don't actually have any pull. You'll get your support from the party local office.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Culture under threat, or imagination on fire?

 India is rife with cultural-socio-moral uncles and aunties who allege that Indian culture is being "threatened" with the cool crowd joining their gang lately. Their list of grievances ranges from Hindu temples being lost or neglected to the mass switch to choosing western food over Indian food. While they may have a case, let's take a deeper look at this threat that they perceive. It has four main stages: the emotional, the delusions, the justification, and the damage. The Emotional We know that sensitivity runs high in India. It's deep in our blood. We're, after all, an emotional bunch. What we're particularly sensitive about status quo. It defines who we are basis our relationship with somebody else. It's like always defining India via the idea of Pakistan, and not what India is inherently without Pakistan. It's our norm which becomes our comfort & soon enough our identity - and then all we know and love (however toxic the idea). The Delusions

Sec 295(a): 295 reasons too many to take offense?

Pride before a fall, they say. The only thing they don't say is how long before the fall. Let's take a case in point. India prides itself on a lot of things. Among those are secularism and a rich & envied cultural history. We're well known for our food,  dance forms,  and indigenous sciences,  among a long list. But what about the pride this fame brings? Unfortunately,  all those who hope that the saying is true are right. It's what happened with Nupur Sharma, Munawwar Farruiqui, Mohammed Zubair and every person booked under IPC section 295A. All of these cases were filed by a random single individual and blossomed into nationwide movements. If the previous sentence doesn't call out the glaring faultline that this pride rests on, and makes it obvious, the next one will.  All it took for statements, addressing the expression of pride, by a free individual to be eligible to be counted as crime is for another such free individual, over-stuffed with pride, to wake u

...and then they came for you

Sometimes it takes what seems like the wrong punch to get the right effect by an expected person - like the recent backlash by many Muslim countries about Nupur Sharma's statements on Prophet Mohammed. Just a disclaimer though: their response is not a complete defense of what many Indian Muslims go through in a stated secular country like India - whether it is by the 1976 assertion of "secular" in the Preamble or the claim that Hinduism is anyway secular making the former unnecessary. The international response is on an equal level to how many Muslims are made to face struggles at home in India. The mirror just flipped. It's all show and no substance, just with a different name.  The countries, which registered their opposition, practice a somewhat equal intolerance of beliefs other than theirs, as does the Hindutva brigade that has been on the rise in the past few months, whose words these very countries have raised an issue with. They, both, have the same cultura